Verus Ego
by EnglishBoo
Summary: Russia can't pretend to be happy anymore. He just...can't. Now, he is about to show the nations who he really is...the hard way. Rated M for future chapters including harsh violence and rape. My first story, please review
1. Realization

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**"**

Russia can't pretend to be happy anymore. He just...can't. Now, he is about to show the nations who he really is...the hard way.

Listening to his insane concious, Russia is going even more uncontrollable. And now, nations are starting to disappear. How is the newly enhanced Russia involved? Can the remaining nations figure out what's going on before they become victims as well?

"

**So, you guys! My first ever story here on ! 8D I am so excited, I worked very hard, but...now that I compare the number of words to other Hetalia fanfics, I feel sad. OTL;; But DON'T WORRY! This story is going to last a LOOONG time, and I promise to write more elaborate chapters. **

**So for this chapter, I put some emotion into it, even though it's short. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF RUSSIA'S ANGST! Teehee. And Let me tell you, it's going to get even worse... I feel kinda bad. D:**

**Sorry for any OOCness and such. Review as you will, I need all the help I can get. Enjoy! **

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I.

_Can't._

_Go._

_On._

_I've been holding it in for - how long?- I cannot remember. I just want someone to know. But if I tell them personally, I will be admitting to weakness. So how about I explain it a different way? _

"The nature of anguish is translated into different forms."

- Franz Kline

Another cutesy, ordinary day. Seeing the smiles and quarrels of the Allied Forces was the only thing Russia saw anymore. Of course, he never really participated in their nonsense. He just sat there, with that same old sugar-coated smile on his round baby face. America, France, China, England...Such cute countries. In Russia's eyes, they did nothing else besides being "cute" and "comical". Even though Russia was thinking to himself, he could hear everything around him. England's arguing voice, America's loud, arrogant yelling, China's constant "-aru's", and sometimes even France's perverted "squee's".

But Russia knew for sure...

That none of them...

Nobody...

could hear his thoughts. Really, Russia's thoughts are the most audible thing to him. But to everyone else, they didn't hear anything.

And in Russia's mind,

everybody is selfish. Always running away from his large, well-built body, worrying for their own damn lives. Had they ever really known Russia? He had never done anything...or atleast that's what he thought. They only think about themselves, even though they've really never known Russia. But why..?

Russia.

Ivan Braginski.

Only known for those names. But Russia wants to be known even more...not just for his cute smiles...not for "Russia" or "Ivan Braginski", but...something else. Something...else. But what?

He was about to go into deep thoughts, until he felt a shove. A shove that knocked over his tall, great body.

"Ah!" Russia breathed, when he hit the ground. What the hell? He looked up to see the arrogant nation of America, Alfred Jones, staring down at him with sorry eyes.

"I'm sorry, Russia! ENGLAND here just happened to knock me over, and made me hit you!" America half-apologized. There was spite in his words directed toward England. England folded his arms childishly. "Says you." England said. He was looking away, at the wall. Did he not want to look at America? Or the fearfully anticipated outburst of the awesome Russia..? Either way, Ivan felt anger inside of him. But like every day, he was prepared to hold it in.

But something was wrong.

For some reason.

Ivan wanted to kill.

Alfred Jones.

He didn't want to hold it in.

His secretly kept psycho-path side wanted to unleash right on Alfred's pretty little face.

He knew it was a mistake.

But something within Ivan ignored that thought.

Russia grit his teeth, growling low. He slowly stood up, his boots stomping twice as he did so. Towering over the young and prosperous America, he looked down at him with a slightly cold expression. Not anything extremely dark, but enough to send someone with common sense packing.

America's face turned worried. "Russia? I-I...Are you okay?" he asked, his voice also filled with fear. Russia just stood there, giving America that face. He hardly breathed, nor did he give any signs of moving. America arched an eyebrow in worry. "Russia, I'm sorry, don't stare like that..." the American laughed nervously, stepping back. China, England, and France did so as well. It seemed even a small sign of anger sent any nation into panic.

That thought made Russia...sad.

A part inside of him...did not want to be feared.

It made people respect him, but it also made him...

Unloved.

That word echoed through Russia's head like a guitar pluck.

Unloved.

Unloved.

Unloved.

PLEASE STOP!

The corner of Russia's lip began to twitch with displeasure. He slowly sat down, and rested his head on his arms on the table. Strands of hair fell on to his arms. He did not move after this, and stayed quite awhile until a nation spoke.

"Russia, aru..?" China spoke with curiousity in his voice. Russia did not reply. Even though he seemed quite sad, he did not cry.

Not now.

It had been a very hard for the remainder of the meeting. Everybody was talking in muted whispers, except Russia. He just sat there. America's whisper was the loudest. And because of that, you could hear him very clearly. They weren't talking about Russia, but things about...god, who cares. All Russia wanted to do was go home, and have a good drink of vodka. If only England and America weren't screwing around, none of this would have ever happened. Russia would not be feeling this low. He...really just wanted to return home...

After a few moments, Russia's head rose, smiling innocently. The others looked at him.

"Russia, I'm so--" America's apology didn't finish, for the Russian had stopped him with a nod. "It's fine. I overreacted to a mistake." Ivan admitted, smiling a bit wider. The other nations were still slightly scared, so out of instinct, they all smiled back nervously.

Russia didn't like this.

He just felt even more pain build up.

More pretending, pretending, pretending...

He must stop pretending...and show his fellow nations who he REALLY is...

Oh yes...


	2. Indulgence

**Part two is here! 8D I hope you are all enjoying it so far...It took me a couple hours to write this one. I'm sorry for any OOCness.**

**Beware, this chapter is full of Russia angsty goodness! 8D and a trio of nations finally enter the story! :3**

**Oh man, this story is getting good... c;**

**And if you're wondering, "Verus Ego" is "True Self" in Latin. 8D**

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**"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved."**

**- Mother Teresa of Calcutta**

That night, Russia returned home with the thought of only one thing: regret. Why had he overreacted? He did not mean to hurt them...Usually he does not think of those kinds of things, but right now, it...hurts. But that way America hit him...just made him realize something.

Russia.

Ivan Braginski.

Needs to stand up for what he believes in.

_What do you believe in, Ivan?_

"I...I want to show them how I feel."

_What do you feel?_

"I don't want to keep acting anymore. I want to show them who I really am, and the consequences..."

_Oh my, consequences. Why are you suddenly so angry? _

"I just...feel angry."

_I see. That's alright. You know, if you want to hurt them, why are you waiting?_

"You're right. What do I have to do?"

_Why should I tell you? You're talking to yourself, Ivan. But if you really can't think of anything, and you feel spiteful, then kill them mercilessly. _

_Kill._

_Them._

_Ivan._

_Braginski._

Kill them..? What had Ivan just told himself? No- ...Russia smiled. No, it was more of a smirk. It gave him another realization. If you are feeling pain, then you must inflict pain to release yourself of pain. Sure, it's wrong. But how else could it possibly be done? How ELSE? Nobody had told him any other way, and if he didn't act now, then how long would he have to deal with this anguish? It's finally gotten to him. He's talking to himself, he's feeling real emotions, and most over all...

He wants murder.

Maybe now, his happy-go-lucky friends can finally experience what he's been feeling. Oh yes...Just the thought of that gave him gratification. Sweet, sweet drips of shimmering blood going down their beautiful bodies...Mmm...Finally, Ivan can express himself - in his own twisted. wretched way.

Ivan sat down on his bed, undid his scarf, and unbuttoned his coat halfway. He had grabbed a large bottle of vodka from the kitchen earlier. Sleepy-eyed, Ivan opened the bottle and took a large sip. "Ahhh..." Russia breathed out once he was done sipping. A small drip of the alcohol slid down the corner of his lip. He didn't even bother to lick it, it just dripped down on to his leg. Ivan's eyes were cold and half-closed; and he stared at the wall with those eyes. His thoughts were blurred. His breath came out shakily. His large body was slightly tilting, but he managed to catch himself everytime. He swallowed a cold lump in his throat. What had the voice really wanted Russia to do? No matter. Russia knew he wanted to submit to it's commands. He continued to drink the sweet alcohol...

But just at that moment, something inside of Russia snapped. He felt his body get tense, and he let out a large scream.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

_ARE YOU FEELING IT, IVAN? DO YOU FEEL IT?_

Ivan violently threw his vodka bottle at his side table, which made glass and alcohol flourish into the air. Some of the vodka splashed on to Ivan, and even some glass pieces jabbed into him. "DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!" he thought. He was gritting his teeth unhealthily hard, while taking in extremely deep breaths. He couldn't stop breathing, and his breath became even more shaky. Ivan's bright red blood dripped down his quivering leg. The glass pieces were throbbing in his body. They were in his leg, hands, and torso. Now, blood was not just dripping on his leg. But now, it created crimson streaks down his whole lower body.

_Suddenly, in Ivan's mind, he saw a peaceful scene. He saw himself in the glistening blades of grass...with a row of sunflowers by his feet. The wind swayed his hair pleasantly, though in this vision, he could not see his own face. His scarf was swaying in perfect harmony. It never lashed out too much because of the wind's perfect speed. Blades of grass were swept into the air, gently swirling around Ivan. Leaves of sunflowers were taken airborne as well, which danced across the air. The sky was full of beautiful colors that matched perfectly. It's like the sky was mixed with great blue and an endearing sunset. Though, the Russia in this vision was...numb. That Russia did not move even though the wind was pressing against his invisible face. That Russia did not smile._

_In fact, it was hardly Russia at all._

Ivan snapped into reality when the throbbing of the vodka glass became worse. He gasped in an unpleasant surprise when he looked down to see the blood staining his clothing...his skin. He let out a small whine, and his eyes become full of depth. In an instant, he tore off his clothes, leaving him only in undergarments. He looked at the red-leaking incisions on his body. He quickly pressed his hands against the cuts. Blood still dripped on to his foot, and soon his toenails. He released his hands off of his cuts, and saw...

Blood all. over. his. hands.

But for an odd reason, this did not scare Russia. Even though he witnessed it dripping down all over his legs, it did not scare him to see it on his own hands. He soon began to laugh. At first, it was very quiet.

"ahahaha..."

...it soon changed abruptly.

"_HAHAAAA! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHA_!"

The cackle echoed through his household, willing to give anyone who hears it a definite fright. He put his hands right over his face, slightly digging his fingernails into his forehead. The blood stained his cheeks, forehead, and eyebrows. The scent of blood was all over Ivan now. He fell to his knees, quivering while licking his own, disgusting hands. His flashing lavender eyes were wide with satisfaction, and he could only...

_feel_

_hear_

_sense_

_...Insanity._

In the next few rooms, three frightened nations heard the insane laughter.

The Baltic Trio was huddled up in their beds. Before Russia had arrived home, they were sound asleep. Raivis had been tossing and turning, and now, he was in a horizontal possission with his legs hanging off the edge of the bed. Eduard had been lieing on his side, with a little bit of hair in his face. His glasses were folded perfectly on the sidetable. But poor Toris...he had been having another nightmare...and now...he has been awakened to Russia's laugh.

"W-W-WAAAAAH!" Lithuania cried out, fearing that Russia's cackling meant the worse. Latvia quickly turned to Lithuania with a worried face and asked, "L-Lithuania! W-what was that?". Estonia pulled the covers close to his body and bit his lip. "I-I don't know...but it was Russia-san!" The Baltic Trio shivered, debating over what will happen. "He could be planning our very deaths right now...!" Lithuania breathed out nervously. Latvia and Estonia turned to eachother with grim expressions, then back at Lithuania. "We need to...check on him." Estonia gulped, afraid.

They all pulled themselves out of bed, kicking on their house shoes nervously. Lithuania grabbed a flashlight, and turned it on as he grabbed the handle. Estonia's hands were shaking as he put on his glasses. Estonia honestly did not want to get out of his warm bed, just to see what Russia was laughing about. Didn't Russia giggle adorably every day? Why now? He looked over at little Latvia. Latvia's shivering was very visible, and it was obvious that he was keeping himself from crying. Poor Latvia. Maybe he should stay here? Estonia put his hands on the little nation's shoulders, and smiled faintly. "You can stay here. Toris and I will see what's wrong with Russia." Estonia stated. Latvia halted his shivering, and looked at Estonia with a questionable expression. "A-Are you sure..?" he asked to confirm. Estonia nodded. The two then looked at Toris for approval. Toris looked concerned, but then nodded. "I suppose..." he replied with a bit of nervousness in his voice. "I-if anything goes wrong, just scream and I'll come for you...k-kay?" Latvia said with his voice quivering.

Toris and Eduard bravely made their way out.


End file.
